Super news–Our great friend and ally Pakistan is showing America a lot of love lately.
It’s awesome that the Pakistani government isn’t doing anything to encourage these violent demonstrations against America, like giving people the day off so they can violently demonstrate against America.
That would just be crazy.
But we can all take solace in the fact that the US government is reacting with a strong response defending our free speech rights. I’m sure we’re not releasing any obsequious apologeties. Right?
I’ll be honest. I was very much prepared to go off on a diatribe about the Obama
Administration Debacle, but why bother? The America-hating campus Marxoid that runs our executive branch and the bloated repellent shyster that runs our State Department are playing exactly to type. The last few days have just confirmed that Barry and Hill-Dawg are the Wonder Twins of arrogant leftist incompetence. Form of–a spineless bedwetting doucherocket! Shape of–a tubby know-nothing nepot!
So fuck it. It’s just American prestige, American power and–most importantly–American lives that are being lost here. The Washington DC press corps will kindly show us the numerous ways that this is all Mitt Romney’s fault. Not the President who has been in office for the last 3+ years. Not the President that lovingly constructed an apologetic cow-towing prostrate foreign policy. No, it’s the guy criticizing St. Barry of The Holey Consulate that is to blame for this roiling catastrophe.
What are we supposed to do? Why does the Middle East continue to hate us, even though we give them billions of dollars through aid and trade? Why do Muslims despise America, even as many of them are enriched by the United States?
It all started in the Harry Truman Regime. Back in the day, paleo-Al Qaeda sleeper agent Sayyid Qutb infiltrated the US through our notoriously porous Colorado teaching college border and promptly started hating American society. Although he despised pretty much everything in the States, he really hated the influence black people had on our popular culture, our ‘loose’ morals and the fact that women’s fashions weren’t limited to a giant burlap sack. Qutb’s virulent racial intolerance, lifestyle diktats too puritanical for even the most hardcore 17th century Puritan and his bug-eyed rape-panic at the sight of a nude female ankle were transferred to the greater Islamist movement and has been ever since.
Even though Sayyid Qutb’s direct influence on modern Muslim cultures isn’t always visible, his writings seem to pervade many facets of Arab/Islamic society. The ‘demonstrations’ we’ve seen over the last week are informed–at least in part–by Qutb’s negative interpretation of the West. If he is the Big
Bang Pile of Fail at the center of the modern hardcore Islamist movement, then works like Milestones and Islam and the Problems of Civilization makes up the background radiation stench that permeates far too much 21st century Koranic interpretation.
As sad as all that is, you know what’s even more tragic? That I, or anyone else in the West, have to give one withered shit about anything a provincial needledick goatfucker like Sayyid Qutb has to say about any goddamn thing. It should fill every sentient American’s heart with immeasurable sadness to think that the premier example of Middle Eastern intellectual sterility affects us in any way whatsoever. In a just world, Qutb and his ideological brood–Paleolithic animals like Ayman al-Zawahiri, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad, Mohamad Morsi, Hassan Nasrallah and whoever the hell is leading Pakistan at the moment–would be little more than bizarre museum curiosities in need of an occasional thermobaric curbstomp to keep their idiocy from spilling out from beyond the borders of their hate-filled rat-hole.
I don’t know about you, but after over ten years of fighting the seemingly endless tide of atavistic idiots that radical Islam produces, being able to ignore that entire region sounds pretty freaking awesome. Do we dare to dream of a day when you or I won’t have to know the difference between Shias , Sunnis, Sufis, Yazidis, Druze, Wahhabis, Alawis or Salafists? I think we can. Nay, I know we can.
In fact, I think it is America’s long term interests to put as much strategic, diplomatic, military and spiritual distance between us and the Middle East as we possibly can.
But How, KingShamus?
First things first, no more paying countries that hate us or our allies. None. Nothing. Not one thin dime.
Egypt wants to be the leader of a new pan-Arab Islamist psycho state? Fine. Do it without our billions of dollars. Do it without our generous food aid. Do it without selling us your overpriced overrated cotton.
“But what about the influential Egyptian religious maniacs who want to destroy the Pyramids because they’re pagan pre-Islamic idols?”, you ask.
I can’t care anymore. It’s their country. If they want to obliterate their only real industry, it’s not our problem. If we can live without the Bamiyan Buddhas, we’ll somehow muddle through without King AhmenTutenAhkanwhatever’s monument to the power of captive labor. Besides, we can always build more pyramids. We’ve pretty much mastered the ‘constructing large-scale simple geometric shapes’ technology.
Let’s also make this point clear. When a natural disaster strikes in any of the terrorist countries, guess which superpower no longer has to lift a finger to help? You guessed it, the good ole USA, that’s who.
Did an earthquake just annihilate a third of your country? Good luck digging yourself out from under the boulders, Ayatollah Nosehair. Did a drought just kill off your precious date crop? Have fun asking Vladimir Putin for help. Did a brutal infectious disease strike your major population centers? Try praying six times a day and see if that does any good.
Our assistance is clearly not wanted. That’s cool. We should recognize when we and our ugly ungodly money are not wanted.
Speaking of people I never want to have to care about again, to hell with Afghanistan and all the various Pashtuns, Tajiks, Uzbeks and every other hateful jerkoff tribe in that particularly virulent cesspool. Let’s leave. The sooner the better.
It’s not like our military failed. The US didn’t lose the war. We destroyed al-Qaeda’s base of operations and turned most of the Taliban into fly ash. In fact, we fought the war with both hands tied around our back and still won it.
The miscalculation we made was trying to grant a nation of bloodthirsty morons an actual working civilization. Oops. Our bad. Never again should we make the mistake of thinking they’re capable of understanding consensual governance, the rule of law or the right of women not to get acid thrown in their face.
“But what if a terrorist organization or regime reconstitutes itself in Afghanistan?”, you concern-troll.
What about it? I know one thing. We won’t send ground troops. A hundred snarling Afghan poppy farmers aren’t worth a single American soldier or Marine. Instead of wasting our most precious resource on Afghanistan, we take the tried and true ‘nuke the site‘ from orbit approach. Maybe not with actual nukes, but then again, maybe with. Everyone should understand that all options are open and that America’s new foreign policy will be based around the very simplistic but very explodey Rubble Don’t Make Trouble platform.
In fact, everything that goes for Afghanistan goes double for Pakistan. The American government should recognize that the Afghanistan-Pakistan border doesn’t really exist. The two countries have been the United States of Stubborn Dysfunction for decades now. We thereby reserve the right to blow up stuff in AfPakiCrap with impunity.
I also don’t care that AfPakiCrap has nukes. If it looks like they’re going to use them, we should nuke their bombs first. That shouldn’t be too hard. We can put a man on the moon, construct a massive continent-sized highway system and give Lady Gaga a platinum-selling music career, but we can’t find AfPkaiCrap’s one and only source of national pride? Besides the thrill of sending Stone Age assholes back to the actual Stone Age, India will be so grateful to us they’ll probably increase their Hot Bollywood Actress exports to America by a thousand percent.
As great as all that is, the big enchilada is freeing ourselves from foreign oil. Barack Obama says we can cut our imports in half in a decade. Mitt Romney says North America can be completely energy independent in ten years. Both are noble goals. Being that Premier Soetero thinks crony capitalist subsidies to solar panels companies and the wondrous energy potential of pond scum are the way to ween ourselves off imported petroleum, America should go with Mitt’s more ambitious plan.
Once we do that, watch as the Saudi sheikhs and their support for Wahhabist nit-wits slowly but awesomely recede from our circle of giving a damn. It will be a particularly satisfying flavor of schadenfreude to watch the entire Persian Gulf revert back to the sewer it always was. When King Flopsweat al-GreaseSpot goes bankrupt and has to become just another nihilistic Bedouin with a Koran stuffed down his pants and eight whining brides to feed, it’ll be real hard for him to subsidize a pack of international jihadist clerics.
As soon as we free ourselves from Middle Eastern conflict oil, our entire foreign policy changes for the better. If the Sunnis and the Shias want to continue their millennium-long mutual suicide pact, by all means go ahead. If the Egyptians want to conquer Libya, it’s no skin off our teeth. If Syria wants to get lippy with Turkey over water rights, the thing to do is get a comfy chair, heat up some Jiffy-Pop and watch the fireworks. Those wars will no longer matter to us. In fact, we should arm the losing side in any future internecine Middle Eastern conflict just to make sure they fight to a long, painful and costly tie. As long as all the players understand that Israel is our heavily armed homeboy who has carte blanche to punch any spill-over violence back into the terrorist country sandbox, it’ll all work out fine.
“B-b-b-but what about Europe’s relationship with the Middle East?”, you whine in full Council on Foreign Relations mode.
If Europe wants to sit at the grown-up table, they can figure it out for themselves. If they like being scared every time Mullah Donkeyball Pedophile sneezes, that’s on them. Let them figure out how to get their energy. Let them figure out how to talk their mewling accommodationist bullshit to people who just want them dead. I keep hearing how much smarter and more sophisticated Europe is when compared to us. For once in my life, I’d like them to prove it. Put up or shut up, assholes.
Look, I have no doubt this plan will piss off a lot of people, both inside and outside the US. Obama will cry about how wrong it is to show intolerance to the Middle East, the glorious land that invented and perfected tolerance. The Saudi lobby in Washington DC will pay off their tree-humper stooges in the environmental movement to whine about fracking or offshore oil rigs or polar bears. RINOs will try to split the difference and only give terrorist countries half a gazillion dollars every year.
But when we’re knee deep in jobs, as energy independent as we’ve ever been and blissfully ignorant of everything from Morocco to Kyrgyzstan, you’ll thank me.