Manhattan Infidel’s Best of 2012

I dunno about you, but all this political talk gets me down sometime.  2012 was sort of a bummer.  No matter what happens, the fiscal cliff deal is a trainwreck getting nuked in a supernova.

That’s why I read Manhattan Infidel.

For those of you who don’t know, Manhattan Infidel…’Mister Infidel’, if you’re nasty…has been serving up fresh helpings of politically-tinged pop culture-friendly satire on teh intertubes for almost six hundred years.  In that time, I don’t think he’s ever done a ‘best of’ post.  Since he won’t, I figured I’d do one for him.

Enjoy!

January

Stop, Drop and Roll! (What to do in the Event of a Liberal Outbreak)

Help Chaz Bono Get a Penis!

February

Muslims Outraged!

Happy Blogoversary! The Leakage Edition

March

Your Guide to the Upcoming Race War Between Blacks and White Hispanics

Lonely Men Flock to Georgetown!

April

Secret Service to Increase Whore Stipends

My Exclusive Interview with President Barack Obama’s Dog

May

More Victims of Romney’s Bullying Come Forward

An Intimate Conversation with the Polish Ambassador to the United States

June

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: Fifty Years Later – A Look Back at the Historic Obamacare Supreme Court Decision

Manhattan Infidel’s Favorite Cherokee Recipes

July

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson Break Up; Was the Tea Party Responsible?

The Obama Effect: The Director’s Cut

How to Safely Observe Obama

August

Yankees Lose; Declare War on Women

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your (Updated) Updated Kennedy Malfeasance Template™

Blogging: Pros and Cons

September

Madonna Threatens to Strip Naked if Obama Wins Reelection; Polls Surge For Romney

Ferocious Cherokee Warrior Addresses DNC

October

My First Time by Lena Dunham

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Middle Eastern Man Arrested for Bomb Plot but We’re Still Confused as to his Motive Template™

November

America Votes for Free Stuff

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Lindsay Lohan Malfeasance Template™

What Would Chris Christie Do for a Chance to Get a Hug From Bruce Springsteen?

December

Manhattan Infidel’s Exciting Book Deal!

Lonely Lesbian Librarian Oppressed by Patriarchy

Okay, folks there you have it.  The best of Manhattan Infidel, 2012 edition.  At least as I see things.  Feel free to differ with me in the comments.

Why not go over to his place and check out what he has going on in this brand spanking new year?

Manhattan Infidel Comes Up With The Best Post Title Of The Month

Even better than the title?  The post.

Lindsay Lohan to Play Britney Spears in the Courtney Love Story

E! Entertainment Television plans to film a biopic of the Courtney Love story. While roles are still being cast it has been announced that the all-important role of Britney Spears will be played by Lindsay Lohan.

Said an executive with E!:

We are proud to have Lindsay Lohan on board for this project.  I met with Lindsay personally to offer her the role.  She had one question:  Why were the helicopters following her around all the time.  And then she offered to suck my dick for some crack before throwing up on me and passing out.  Which I take it to mean she agreed to our price.  Actually I think she’s just happy to be working again.

Britney Spears will also be in the biopic. However she will not play the coveted role of Britney Spears.

READ.  THE. WHOLE.  DAMN.  THING.

NOW.

Manhattan Infidel Turns Three Years Young!

That’s right, folks.  The Manhattan Infidel has hit tres años.  How does homeboy celebrate?

In style.

On February 20, 2009, a date that will (or is it shall?) live in infamy, the blog known as Manhattan Infidel debuted. On February 21st, 2009, encouraged that the logs showed two hits Manhattan Infidel swore off all human contact to concentrate on the fame and fortune that no doubt would surely follow. And here it is three years later. I decided to celebrate my blogoversary as any man would do who has a healthy emotional, spiritual and psychological life: I paid a woman I’ve never met before to dress up as a French maid and clean me. Because I’m oh so dirty. And filthy. And naughty. But on to the celebration!

Note to self: Hire another woman next year. She missed a spot.

Very nice.

Read the rest, as yours truly gets a wonderfully revolting shout-out.

I for one applaud Da Infidel’s commitment to personal hygeine. Unfortunately, all those lovely cleaning women that Manhattan Infidel needs to maintain his impeccable grooming don’t grow on trees. Why not hook a blogger up and hit his tip jar harder than Obama hits taxpayers in the wallet. Once you’re done with that, read some of his other great work as well. You will not be disappointed.

Manhattan Infidel: Come for the fastidious French maids, stay for the superb social satire!

Have I Introduced You To The Manhattan Infidel?

He’s got some advice for the post-debt deal folks looking to succeed in this crazy workaday world.

 Note: Between the time of the writing of this post and the publishing thereof, a compromise plan may have been found that will increase the debt ceiling while significantly reducing spending. But, since I plan to spend most of my time between now and then drunk and will wake up Tuesday morning in an alleyway, naked except for one sock, a chihuahua licking my testicles and the word “whore” written in lipstick on my forehead I probably will be in no shape to rewrite this post. So here it goes.

• The average American will have nothing to fear from a potential default. Unless, of course your entire life’s saving is tied up in worthless U.S. paper money. But I am confident that my readers wouldn’t be that stupid. We’ve all converted our 401Ks and IRAs to gold? Right?

Read the rest.  Just trust me.

Important Chicken-Related News!

Manhattan Infidel reports that the poultry we Americans count on for sustenance are down in the dumps.

Despite having unfettered access to roam around, there are reports of a dramatic decrease in morale among free range chickens.

 ”They used to strut around.  Now many of them just sit there, staring into space.  Some of them have started listening to jazz and writing beatnik poetry” according to one farmer who runs a chicken ranch.

The dining experience of many has suffered as a result.

“I used to always demand free range chicken when I went to a restaurant” said one frequent diner.  “Free range chicken just tastes happier than regular chicken.  I know that the chicken I am eating was content and stress free before his head was chopped off and his entrails packaged for consumption.”

To read more about the Great Pullet Buzkill of 2011, click the link.  With your help, maybe we can raise awareness about why our chicken friends are so so sad.

Happy Blog-Birthday Manhattan Infidel

Manhattan Infidel is two years old this weekend.  Don’t believe me?  Check it out.

On February 20th, 2009, a date which will live in infamy, a small humble blog named Manhattan Infidel debuted to intense anticipation and rave reviews.

The New York Times wrote, “A small insignificant blog.  The blogger needs serious psychological counseling.”

MSNBC opined that “Manhattan Infidel is just the latest manifestation of dangerous anti-government feelings.  Clearly this man is not of the elite.  Probably a redneck.  Stupid too.”

Newly elected President of the United States Barack Obama warned Americans to “Ignore the hate-filled rhetoric of this man.  No doubt he clings to guns and religion.”

Olivia Wilde wrote “Show up at my door again and this time the taser gets directed at your scrotum.”

This amazing celebrity stalker humorist has done some great work these past years.  I recommend you check it out before Joe Biden accidentally deletes it from the internet while searching for Brazilian shart fetish porn.

Manhattan Infidel’s Greatest headline-EVAH!

The Infidel has been on a freakin’ roll lately. Check out a chunk of his latest magnum opus:

Controversial Racist Juan Williams Fired by NPR After Making Controversial Racist Comments During Appearance on Controversial Racist Bill O’Reilly’s Show on Controversial Racist Fox Network

Juan Williams, a known controversial racist was fired by NPR today because of the outrage over his controversial racially-charged comments on Fox News.

Williams’ downfall began when appearing on the O’Reilly factor he explained that his favorite variety of Pop-Tarts are the Vanilla Milkshake flavor and that he finds the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor “objectionable” and “poor-tasting.”

Seriously, check out the rest of homeboy’s piece. It’s a must read. His Pelosi/Skynet article is strong too.

Go to Manhattan Infidel if you want to laugh.

;-p

The Five Stages of (Michelle Obama’s) Grief

Seriously, Manhattan Infidel has been on fire lately.  If you don’t know, now you know.

Check out the newly revised fives stages of grieving, Queen Michelle Antoinette style.

Denial.  “I feel fine.  Let’s go to Spain” 

Anger.  “Why me?  This isn’t fair.  How about a trip to Spain?“

Socialized medicine.  “Buying health insurance to avoid a fine is a proven way to help with the grieving process.”

Vacationing in Spain.  “During the fourth stage the individual may spend most of their time crying. It has been proven that those who fly to Spain aboard Air Force One will feel better about themselves.”

Shutting down public beaches.  “The individual comes to terms with grief and moves on, helped by security with yellow tape who keep others away.  Sometimes a person has to be alone.”

Seriously, read the whole thing.  It’s tremendous.

Mel Gibson’s latest attempt at image rehabilitation

Manhattan Infidel once again scoops the worthless MSM.

Stunned by his outcast status in Hollywood, former box office champ Mel Gibson has launched a campaign to rehabilitate his image. Gibson’s first priority: finding a 13-year old girl to sodomize.

“I have seen the outpouring of support for Roman Polanski in Hollywood” said Gibson. “And if it worked for Polanski then I’m willing to give it a try.”

It only gets better from there.

Clickie that linkie, ya’all.

British Petroleum is pulling out all the stops

Manhattan Infidel gets us the scoop on the oil company’s latest attempt to stop the leak.

BP engineers, discouraged by their failure to end the leak in the Gulf of Mexico have resorted to a new, desperate tactic that they feel is “most promising.”

Beginning today BP engineers will lower dozens of 52 inch flat screen TVs to the ocean floor. Those TVs will broadcast World Cup soccer in hopes of putting the oil leak to sleep.

“This has never been tried before but in theory it has an excellent chance of succeeding” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a Methodist.

Click that linkage. Trust me.

Barack Obama’s Oil Spill: The Blog

I guess this was inevitable.

Inevitably awesome.

When BO and my employer, Tony “I’d Like my Life Back” Hayward, likely meet next week, they’ll take turns chasing each other around the resolute desk, kicking each other’s ass.

But first they’ll compare their degrees from Narcissism University.

Which must be nice, thinking only about yourself. Here I am, spewing on Day 54 like a volcano and no one is in charge, no one is doing anything for the out-of-work fishing industry, no one is helping Louisiana and Mississippi and Alabama and, now, Florida, keep me from staining their beaches and ruining their tourism incomes, like I’m staining and ruining BO’s presidency.

Read more at the link.  Seriously.

This is best blog based on a sentient ecological megadisaster EVAH.

More of teh funnnnnnnayy and/or scary. 

Speaking to reporters today, the Creature from the Black Lagoon confirmed rumors that he has been contacted by BP in its continuing efforts to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Yeah, they contacted me.  I’m glad to help.  I live on this planet too” the Creature said.  “I have experience in deep water that could come in very handy.”

When asked if he was worried about being injured he responded, “I swim in my own feces.  Do you think I’m worried about a little oil?”

Working closely with BP engineers, the Creature will swim down to the source of the leak and in a procedure known as “Operation kill two birds with one stone”, plug the hole with all known prints of the Sex and the City II movie.

Man, we’re really getting desperate when we turn to an old hack actor from a bygone age of Hollywood to somehow plug the leak.  Oh, wait…

Go to that link as well.  I meant the Manhattan Infidel link.  Go there.  Now.  Then go the BO’s Oil Spill Blog Link.  Right now.

I gotta problem with Manhattan Infidel

The problem is he’s funnier than me and I could probably link to him every day.  Check out his profile of a big time gangsta rapper who has not been shot dead.

Defying all expectations local hip hop artist “Dirty Muthafucka” has avoided being shot.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” said Dirty Muthafucka.  “My music is violent.  Authentic.  Filled with disturbing images.  I have a posse that follows me around.  They all carry guns.  I encourage them to shoot people.  So why am I not being shot back?”

In lieu of his nonshooting many record stores are refusing to carry his CDs.  iTunes will not carry his music either.

“We’ve given him every opportunity to die a violent death but since he hasn’t there doesn’t seem to be any market for his hip hop” said an Apple executive.

More of teh funnay at the link.

Times Square Bomber Motivations: WHY CAN”T WE FIGURE OUT THIS ENIGMATIC MAN’S REASONS!?!?!?!?!111

The Manhattan Infidel gives us the run down of the amazing mystery.

Since the arrest of Faisal Shahzad for the attempted car bombing in Times Square speculation has turned to his possible motives.

On The View Thursday morning Joy Behar talked about her disbelief that Shahzad could be a bomber.

“Look at him.  He’s so handsome.  How can a handsome man be a bomber?  I bet he was angry over something Rush Limbaugh said.  I bet he’s embarrassed at Sara Palin’s stupidity.”

From all accounts it appears that Shahzad was a model immigrant who had no problems assimilating into mainstream America.  He married a beautiful American-born woman, got a college degree and bought a home.  But then things turned bad for him.  His home went into foreclosure.  He lost his job.  He separated from his family.  Neighbors mentioned “quirky habits” such as jogging at night while wearing explosives strapped to his chest.

Read more at the link.

Harry Reid pisses in every nerd’s corn flakes

It’s not just the Senate Majority Leader’s racially insensitive remarks that have him in hot water.

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) continues to fight for his political life after the eruption of a firestorm resulting from his controversial comments regarding C-3PO, and by extension, Droids in general.

In the new book, “Game Change” by John Heilemann  and Mark Halperin, Reid is quoted as saying that C-3PO was his favorite Droid because he was “light-skinned” and had “no noticeable Droid dialect.”

Senator Reid immediately apologized for his comments, calling them “ill-advised.” In a press conference on Capitol Hill, Reid defended his record, saying that “I have always been a friend to Droids.  Several Droids work for me.  They make excellent gardeners.”

Read more of this horrifying hilarious bigotry at the link.

Have a Happy (carbon-neutral, environmentally-friendly, human-unfriendly) New Year

Manhattan Infidel finds something sorta not-so-celebratory about tonight’s New Year’s celebration.

To fight the scourge of man-made global warming, several countries have announced that New Year’s celebrations will have low carbon footprint, environmentally friendly themes.

Nowhere is this more evident that in perhaps the most famous of New Year’s Eve locations, Times Square in New York City.  Normally a sea of artificial light this year all power in Times Square will be turned off at 11:50 PM and the intersection will be plunged into total darkness.

“We feel that doing this will symbolize New York’s commitment to saving the planet.  Also, the total darnkess thing might make it easier for me to cop a feel” said an organizer.

Check out the rest over at the link.

Manhattan Infidel: Muslim Extremist Kills Thirteen But Not Because He’s a Muslim Extremist

Homeboy hits a homerun.  Manhattan Infidel, I mean.

Tragedy struck Ft. Hood Texas as a Muslim psychiatrist opened fire on base, killing 13 and wounding 30. According to reports the gunman, Major Nadal Hassan began the day by giving all his possessions away and preparing to do glorious battle with the enemies of Allah.  Figuratively of course.

Already there is much speculation as to the motives of the shooter.  It appears the shooter was stressed to the breaking point by the overextended condition of the U.S. military.

“The shooting obviously is George Bush’s fault.  Not being a military man like our current commander-in-chief he had the U.S. fight in two simultaneous wars, which has never been done successfully before” said a military analyst who was asked about the shooting.  “Our military men and women are overworked and stressed out.  It’s only natural that someone would snap like this.  I mean, what other motive could he possibly have?”

Clickie that linkie for the whole thing.

Manhattan Infidel: The Internet Invents Al Gore

Interestingly, I think this might be pretty close to the truth.

The Internet today announced the release of its latest much-touted but troubled Operating System, the Al Gore 2.0.  This latest Al Gore will be the first version available to the general public.

After extensive beta testing of Al Gore versions 1.0  and 1.5 revealed major bugs that had to be eliminated the Internet is confident that this Gore will be “the best Gore ever.”

Al Gore version 1.0 showed much promise but had to be shelved when the Operating System showed a tendency to restrict word searches to a predefined list of parentally approved words.  (See the Tipper Gore 1.25 Operating System.)  “Naturally this posed a problem when people were searching for porn” said the Internet.

Clicky the linky for more goodness.

Manhattan Infidel has been on fire lately

And the hits keep on coming for Zombie Ted Kennedy:

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) has died.  Edward Kennedy, the last surviving son of Joe Kennedy died at approximately 3:30 in the morning surrounded by his family.

Immediately after his death Senator Kennedy attempted to reach Heaven but was repeatedly rebuffed by strong currents and dark, cold, muddy waters.

Exhausted by his efforts to reach Heaven, Senator Kennedy returned to his family compound, contacted police and made a written statement.

                    “Shortly after my soul left my body I attempted to reach Heaven, in fact making several different attempts to reach it.  Each time I was prevented by strong currents.  I returned to my family compound exhausted by my efforts and laid on my bed with my wet clothes still on.  I was on the bed for awhile when I heard voices outside my room.  I put some dry clothes on and opened the door, asking them ‘what time is it?’  They seemed surprised to see me and said ‘Hasn’t your soul ascended into Heaven yet?’  I explained that I was unable to reach it, was totally exhausted and that my mind was a jumble of conflicting thoughts.  ‘I think there must have been some sort of accident’ I said.

Click the link for more on this breaking story.