Matt Drudge, you magnificent bastard.
Good to see the President showing his usual steadfast dedication to the important issues of the day. Watch for tomorrow’s itinerary when our glorious leader will give the Chicago Bears tips on their upcoming NFL draft. Spoiler Alert: Barry thinks the O-line needs some help.
On a completely unrelated and truly unimportant aside, the total metaphysical boning of America is just about done vis-a-vis Afghanistan. That metastasizing tumor masquerading as a country is a clogged toilet wrapped in a cesspool baked in a donkey’s asscrack cloaked in an illiterate mujahedeen’s armpit. The mission to democratize these jag-offs has not succeeded. Hell, the mission to just get these miserable bastards to not molest their children or throw acid on their women’s faces or not turn themselves into human grenades has been a complete disaster.
Fuck them. Fuck their stupid tribal grievances. Fuck their rampant corruption. Fuck their crybaby nonsense. Fuck their wildly overblown sense of cultural superiority. Fuck their childish whining sense of entitlement. Fuck them hard.
Enough is enough.
The problem here is that both George Bush and Barack Obama have failed to figure out some important facts over the last ten years. America has gone with the Underpants Gnome Theory of Third World Country Democratization. Like scrotum, here’s the plan in a nut-shell:
Phase 1: Conquer The Country
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: DEMOCRACY!
See? When looked at from that perspective it’s obvious this great plan should’ve worked out. Right?
You wanna know what’s missing in this brilliant tripartite strategy?
Massive death tolls, obliteration of several urban areas, vast destruction of Afghan infrastructure and property, liquidation of important economic instruments, humiliation of the Afghan people and the annihilation of those members of society that believe in ideologies that allow the harboring of international terrorists bent on killing American citizens and wrecking our society.
There. Now I fixed it.
That plan should sound familiar. It was the guiding principle that worked in Germany and Japan during and after World War II. In fact, the post-war reconstruction and rebooting of both the German and Japanese cultures has worked out so well that neither country has even considered an offensive war for sixty-seven years.
Do you remember the last time you heard a peep out of either of them? No? These countries made sabre-rattling smack-talk an Olympic sport in the first part of the 20th century. Now they can’t wait to shut the hell up and not get bombed again. Why? Because they’re now docile. They’ve turned their backs on imperialism and embraced conquering the world the new-fashioned way, through economics.
But we didn’t do that in Afghanistan.
Instead, we routed the Taliban only to let them play hide-n-seek in Pakistan. We gave every village warlord with a harem of prepubescent catamites a forum to vent his spleen over the burning of his precious holy book. We tolerated the poppy fields and the pay-offs and the puffed-up pre-modern honor systems and the kickbacks and the vendetta killings and all the assorted scumbaggery inherent in traditional Afghan society. We let Hamid Karzai, our hand-selected well-upholstered puppet and a wretched piece of human filth not fit to tie our shoes, dictate to us the terms of our embarrassment.
This is what our billions have bought us. This is what our incredible investments in military superiority have won us. This is what the sacrificed lives of the most precious resource we have–our military men and women–have gained us.
Fuck, don’t go with my plan. I know it’s a harsh and brutal way to win a war. I understand how certain facets of 21st Century America might not be ready for such a drastic step. I also realize that the steps we could’ve taken in 2001 probably cannot be employed today.
Instead, go with the Bing West model. Forget about democratization. Just focus on killing the Taliban, al-Qaeda, the Haqqani Network and any other entity that wants to re-establish international terrorist organizations in Afghanistan. Do that, regardless of borders or hurt national feelings, and we would at least accomplish something meaningful.
Instead, we slowly and inexorably drift into abject surrender. Our feckless incompetent president won’t allow a hasty retreat to mar his re-election campaign. The defeat and humiliating withdrawl will come in 2013. Obama will then wring his hands and fret over the loss of what he once called our most important war.
I realize this is a trite observation, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true–If a war is important enough to fight, it’s important enough to win. If we won’t or can’t fight to win, we shouldn’t fight at all. All we can do is pray that somebody in this Administration figures out that most basic lesson.