Since I haven’t eaten any really gross food on my blog lately.
For many Americans, Taco Bell represents both the scrumptious promise of vaguely Mexican fast food and the scowling threat of lower abdominal agony. Da Bell is celebrated by late night partiers as great post-binge grub. At the same time, using a ten pound sack full of beef burritos to take the edge off of an evening of drunken excess requires good judgement and an ability to tolerate mild to moderate cramping. Beyond the efficacy of the stuff as after-party grindage, if you ask a lot of people, relying on Taco Bell for anything besides last resort nutrition during the zombie apocalypse is sheer madness.
At the same time it’s hard to argue with the masses, especially when they’re right. Taco Bell was born in the early sixties and has been a going concern ever since. How many people have been served by all the Bells in the world? That’s hard to say, but it’s gotta be tens of millions. How many people across the world have been introduced to the delicious Tex-Mex Southwestern style of cooking through Taco Bell? Again, that figure is surely in the millions. The fact of the matter is that Taco Bell makes tasty food and a lot of people know it.
In what is clearly an attempt to unite the bleary-eyed stoner, dedicated couch potato, two-fisted drinker and too-busy-to-sit-down-guy voting blocs into one massive unstoppable slightly gaseous culinary movement, Taco Bell has invented the Doritos Locos Taco. Inside, the taco is made out of the familiar meat (or is that ‘meat’?), shredded cheese, lettuce and tomato combination we’ve all grown up with. The shell is where it deviates from the norm. Instead of the standard nacho taco wrap, the shell is made out of a large taco-shaped Nacho Cheese flavored Dorito.
This sounds too good to resist. Fears of the Aztec Two-Step fading! Misgivings about the pain I’m about to go through receding!
Okay folks, lets eat some fabulous garbage!
T-Minus 15 Minutes:
I pull up to the Taco Bell drive-thru, ready for action. Naturally, I order three Doritos Locos Tacos. Of course, I order them using the corniest Antonio Banderas accent possible: “Thhrrrrree Dohhhrrrrrrrrritohhhhsz Lohhhhhkohhhhsz Taahhhhhhcohhhhhsz.” Assuredly, the drive-thru dude is annoyed, but he takes my order anyway. I get a Diet Pepsi because I’m really concerned about what goes into my body.
T-Minus 1 minute:
I get home and peel away the wrapping. Or should I say ‘wrappings’. Are two casings really necessary? It seems more like an advertising ploy than for any real hygienic or culinary need.
Okay Taco Bell. I get it. I’m eating a new and exciting taco stuffed into the Frito-Lay Corporation’s flagship snack food. Message received, homie.
Oh well. As soon as I tear off the paper, the distinct aroma of Nacho Cheese Doritos wafts up off the plate. Its like getting a whiff of a batch of Doritos fresh out of the oven. Interestingly, the doritos are so potent they drown out the normal beefy taco scent.
T-Plus 2 minutes:
First impressions are fairly important in life. In the case of the Locos Tacos, the initial vibe is pretty good. This particular confection is a step-up from the average Taco Bell taco. The beefy taste is perfectly matched with the zingy flavor of a Nacho Cheese Dorito. The steamy warmth of the meat has softened the shell, which makes it go down that much easier.
T-Plus 5 Minutes:
At this point, things are going strong. As good as Taco Bell’s tacos are, this iteration of their signature item is definitely an improvement. In fact, it is so good it has me wondering. Why the hell didn’t they do this sooner? Maybe the two companies recently merged? Perhaps Taco Bell and Doritos are still separate entities and they could never get it together before now. The Doritos Locos Taco is like absurdly low-hanging fruit that should’ve been picked during the Carter Administration.
T-Plus 8 Minutes:
The Doritos Locos Tacos have got me thinking about other winning combinations that haven’t been dreamed up. A Dunkin Donuts Bear Claw baked into a Twinkie would be amazing. I can’t see why a Dominos cheesy stick shouldn’t be the casing for a Subway Five Dollar Footlong. A Big Mac slapped in between two Auntie Anne’s pretzels might be earth shattering. Combining two awesome things to make something even awesomer would be awesome.
I’d better stop this train of thought before I turn into an Epic Meal Time rip-off.
T-Plus 10 minutes:
I mean, why the hell can’t we all just get along? What’s stopping us from really banding together as a species, bro? Why don’t we all just unite, like the doritos and tacos have in the Doritos Locos Tacos, to make the planet completely excellent. If all races, religions, ethnic groups and political ideologies could just eat Doritos Locos Tacos, everything would be fine. The Iranians and the Israelis would immediately sign a free trade agreement. The Chinese and the Japanese would forgive each other for all the bad shit they’ve done to each other over the millenia. The Basques and The Spanish would high-five during the Running of The Bulls. Anything is possible.
As Gandhi said, “All we have to do is be the change we wish to see in the world while eating Doritos Tacos Locos.”
Yes. That is the exact quote. Gahndhi said those very words. THE Gnahdhi. Let me spell it out for you: H-G-A-H-N-D-H-E-E. You know, the motherfuckin’ liberator of India.
I read it on the internet. Go ahead and verify that shit, sweetheart. You’ll only see that I’m right. Teh intertubes don’t lie. THEY JUST DON’T.
T-Plus 1 Hour:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh God. What the hell did I just say? I think the Doritos Locos Tacos affected my judgement, impulse control and sanity.
Yeah, that fugue state was pretty weird. For a second the pure win of the doritos merging with the tacos made me muy locos or some shit. I think I’m coming down off the nacho cheese high now.
Speaking of the afterglow, something else is going incandescent. Unfortunately I think it’s my guts. Yeah, the nacho goodness is starting to turn my stomach into a Gordian knot of nastiness.
Here comes the pain.
T-Plus 4 hours:
My insides have more or less stopped doing backflips. Now comes the gas. Lots and lots of gas.
T-Plus 12 Hours:
Sleep was a little rough. Just in case you were wondering, I can confirm that even a single completely unintentional Dutch oven will not be viewed as a hilarious prank by your lover. Blog De KingShamus: It’s Educational!
T-Plus 16 Hours:
It’s all over except the flatulence. Co-workers have been loathe to sit next to me. I’ve been loathe to sit down anywhere, what with my chafed o-ring and all.
Small children now fear me and wail lamentations over my existence. Adults look upon my visage as one would look upon a walking plague. Everywhere my name is spoken in hushed dread: “Avert your gaze, for there goes KingShamus–Destroyer of Break Rooms.”
The Doritos Locos Tacos are probably the best Taco Bell tacos ever invented. The DLT takes the company’s already strong taco recipe and puts it into what should be an award-winning shell. As stated earlier, it’s hard to imagine why this thing didn’t happen earlier. A taco made out of a Dorito? Of course!
The only caveat about the Doritos Locos Tacos is the warning that comes with all Taco Bell food. If you have a sensitive stomach, you might want to take it easy on the DLT. Instead of eating an entire bag of them, maybe just one or maybe two. When it comes to Taco Bell, be like Dirty Harry and know your colon’s limitations.
Regardless of any misgivings, the Doritos Locos Tacos represents the pinnacle of fast-food Mexican cuisine. If you got a hankering for quick south of the border grub, you really can’t go wrong with Taco Bell. If you want to take a taco to the next level, you can do no better than the Doritos Locos Tacos.